Why People Cheat, According to a World-Renowned Sex Therapist of 45 Years
Cheating is often chalked up to lust, the search for validation, or a reckless decision made under the influence. But world-renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel challenges that perception, pointing instead to something more emotionally complex at the heart of infidelity.
Sex therapist Esther Perel reveals the real reason people cheat—it's not lust, but emotional "deadness" that signals a deeper relationship disconnect.
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During an in-depth conversation with The Telegraph, Perel, known for her bestselling book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence and her acclaimed podcast Where Should We Begin?, shared her findings after 45 years as a leading voice in the field of sex and relationship therapy.
According to the 66-year-old therapist, affairs are rarely rooted in just physical desire. Instead, they often arise from a sense of "deadness" that permeates the emotional landscape of a relationship. This emotional disconnect, Perel explains, tends to precede wandering thoughts or actions, even in seemingly stable partnerships.
Many people experience infidelity as a result of feeling unseen, unimportant, or emotionally abandoned. Perel points out that loneliness, emotional alienation, and rejection frequently serve as silent triggers. In some cases, the reasons are internal and unrelated to the partner or relationship, making the issue even more nuanced.
At the core of her philosophy lies a striking idea: relationships falter not necessarily from conflict but from a loss of vitality. She describes how intimacy, once a cornerstone of connection, can sometimes suppress the very passion that initially sparked attraction.
Aliveness, according to Perel, is the antidote to this stagnation. She encourages couples to reignite curiosity and introduce what she calls “differentiation”—a process of rediscovering each other as evolving individuals rather than extensions of shared routines.
Engagement with the unknown is key. Simple moments of curiosity, new conversations, or unexpected insights can remind partners that they are still learning who the other person is. Perel believes couples must resist falling into the trap of domestic autopilot, where meaningful exchanges are replaced by logistical questions and task management.
Bringing play back into a relationship can also help restore intimacy. For Perel, play is not frivolous—it’s essential. Whether through shared adventures, new rituals, or spontaneous surprises, play allows partners to see one another in a fresh, exciting light.
When asked what keeps a long-term relationship strong, Perel underscores the importance of accepting differences rather than trying to erase them. Mutual accommodation, rather than forced change, creates a foundation of respect and lasting connection.
She notes that many people expect their partners to mirror their priorities, but true harmony often lies in understanding that love can mean doing something for your partner even when it holds no personal appeal. The act of showing up, rather than changing who you are, is what builds trust and resilience over time.
Perel’s insights offer a fresh framework for understanding why people cheat and, more importantly, how couples can proactively protect their relationships from emotional decay. Through curiosity, emotional presence, and play, she encourages a more dynamic and enduring kind of love—one that evolves rather than erodes.
